Monday, September 20
12/14 way through prelims. no, it's 15/17. amath and lit left. why do i feel no confidence? i never feel confident anyway. the mark of a failure. gah. oh i'm supposed to be positive about this. right. all right i love myself, i love my brain, i love my marks. sky theme from final fantasy is nice. although i haven't the faintest clue what the show's about. it doesn't matter. like forbidden love. =D the music says everything. my guess: there's some romance, some bittersweetness, some love, some pain. that pretty much sums up life anyway. this past month or so.. i've been so confused. more so than usual. everything just seems so crazily messed up. studies studies studies. it can drive a person mad, you know? i bet you know. look at us. all of us. i know i'm being unreasonable, i'm never nice to anyone anymore, and strangely enough it's so hard to give a damn. but i have to try. the less i give a damn about life, about the people around me, the less sensitive my lit becomes. so the pragmatic side of me shall prevail, and on the account of half my combined humanities, i shall care enough not to be so blunt and insensitive. i really am heartless. or have i always been this way? i don't write anymore. there's nothing to write about. for el prelims i wrote about a psychotic girl who hates red. well i'm not psychotic, and i although i dislike red, i dislike doing laundry even more, so i couldn't have been writing about my soul. but. she hated red the way i hate cockroaches and lizards. the panic, the overwhelming need to destroy it before it destroys you. crazy fool that i am. we're shopping for prom on wed after lit. so what if people will see us and think we're horrid slackers. some people need to breathe! if our brains were skeletal muscles, there'd be a huge oxygen debt already, we're running overtime. yet strangely enough, i'm at peace with myself. to avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing. i refuse to do nothing, say nothing, and much less be nothing. so. critique away, and may the devil care! because i'm beyond caring. from this day til 19nov, there will only be 3 things i will care about. God. yes, God, the only person who makes me whole. to whom i owe any peace i find. then studies and relationships. studies, because that's my first duty. and my friends and family cos we all need each other. yet i know even without them, even without anything, and everything, as long as there is God, i'll be okay. i'll still be whole. but if i place everything else above him, no matter what else i try to add, i will never be complete. like the rocks in the jar. you dont put in the little stuff first. may we all be content with what we recieve, because we reap what we sow. and frankly i've been sowing rocks. so.. if i reap a weed, yeah, okay, better than nothing. i'll just be late for sch everyday if i go to poly. wouldn't be able to find my clothes, you know. haha. kidding. or maybe not.
it must've been love.
5:33 pm
xoxo
